To Medicate or not to Medicate; that is the question!

It's 9:45pm and I have just tidied up my place from having my small group over.  I am one of many small group leaders in my church and I am honoured to be part of a group of single women varying in ages from 21-30.

Part of our discussion led us to talking about how in the midst of the worst parts of our lives there can be peace.  It is hard to explain but during the darkest days of my life, while I was lying in bed crying off and on for hours I still felt God's peace with me.  It doesn't make sense but I know that he was with me during those days.

It was during that time when I had to make a decision; drugs or no drugs.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to go on medication for the rest of my life but I also knew I couldn't keep living life how I was.  So what did I do when I got home from my Dr's visit in Winkler?  I ate a bag of Lay's Dill Pickle chips and Philadelphia cream cheese dill pickle dip.  I decided not to decide.  I ate my chips and dip and watched TV.  

I ended up talking to my parents about what the diagnosis was and asked for their advice.  My parents were and  are awesome.  They were so supportive during that time and after chatting with them, chatting with a few close friends I decided to try meds.

My parents pointed out to me (as did Dr. Larry) that trying meds didn't mean I had to stay on them but they may help me focus enough to do the cognitive stuff I needed to reprogram my brain.  After a lot of praying, discussing with family and trusted friends I decided to try the meds.

I have a confession to make;  when I decided to go on meds I really thought it was going to  be a quick fix.  Its been three years and I think we have finally found a medication that is helping.  My Dr and I decided to start off with me taking meds for my ADHD.  For most medications they can also help with other issues, like depression, OCD etc. 

I was sadly mistaken about the quick fix....it took a bit of trial and error but we have found one that has helped me focus and help me control some of my impulses.  One thing I have realized that the depression and anxiety piece didn't seem to be getting any better.  After some intense debilitating panic attacks over the summer I finally came clean to Dr. Larry and admitted to him what had been going on for the past 3 months.  After 2 sessions  of discussions we decided to add a low dose antidepressant.  I am still in the process of finding a good mix but I am confident that we will find one that will help.

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be a person who needs to take meds everyday I would have laughed.  I am not against people taking meds (obviously...:-) ) but I really didn't  see how impulsive I was and that the choices I was making were making my life more difficult.  There are many views about medications and faith and I'm not going to get into nor do I want to get into a debate about it.  I chose with prayer and guidance from my parents and friends to try it.  I hope that one day that I will not need to take meds to help me live my everyday life but I have also decided that if I do need to I will do it because it is what makes sense for me.

I have learned that although the meds do help I still need to put the work into changing my habits, my thoughts and how I do certain things so that I can be the best me that God wants me to be.  This road has not been easy, there have been days when I have wished that I had a different brain and that I was a 'better' person.  I realize that in saying that, I am telling God that he made a mistake when He made me.  I'm not comfortable with that thought process so I have to say that I am working towards being proud of who I am and that I don't have to be perfect but I do have to be willing to work on the hard stuff that God is asking me to.  

I do believe in my heart of hearts that bc of the way I'm wired it makes me good at my job.
I love working one on one with kids with behavioural issues or special needs in a school setting.  There is a part of me that understands them and that has been crucial in my ability to be compassionate yet stick to my guns so that they can strive.

I have no idea what the next few years will look like but I am thankful that God has used my deepest, darkest days to help me see that there were (are) area in my life that I needed to address and not run away from.  More on that at another time. 

Chat with ya later!