Its Wednesday night and I have put the boys to bed ( I do respite for friends once a week). The house is quiet and I have been thinking about the past 3 years and what I have learned about myself, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have come to realize well I think I have known all along but acknowledging it out loud that I am a quirky person.
I think in some ways having a firm diagnosis has opened my eyes to some of my quirky habits and why I do them. At the moment I can't think of any to share but maybe one or two will come to me by the end of this blog.
When I first found out for sure that I was ADHD, OCD, riddled with anxiety etc I wasn't really sure what to think about the labels,what the letters mean, about anything really. It was a big ball of yarn in my head and I was having a hard time unravelling it. I was chatting with a friend of mine on Facebook one night and I shared with her my diagnosis and I was telling her that the OCD one really threw me for a loop! To which she replied "Really Sis, I'm not surprised at all!" Which had me thrown for another loop....what in the world was she talking about? How dare she say that! Was the thought I had in about 3 seconds. When I asked her to explain what she meant she reminded me of some of my behaviours growing up.
I hated having sticky hands, dirty hands ( I still do). I would make sure that all the songbooks and Bibles were organized 'properly' in the pews after church on Sunday's to name a few small habits I had. Looking back I can see different areas where it is quite evident that the letters behind my name are there for a reason.
I think one of the hardest things about all of this; is not using the diagnosis as an excuse to keep doing what I'm doing which is not helpful in my life, as well as trying to explain to people why I am grateful for the diagnosis. You see, I have know for probably 20 years or more that my brain seems to be wired quite differently then those around me and that I couldn't figure out why I kept doing what I was doing. With this diagnosis it has given me an explanation for how I'm wired and why I do what I do. Now it would be extremely easy to sit here and use it as a crutch and not try to make better/healthier decisions for myself.
I really don't want to do that, I want to change the areas where this diagnosis has an negative impact on my life and I also want to use this diagnosis to help me in the areas that are positive. It is a daily struggle to not get bogged down with the weight of it, but there is so much joy.
I am not alone, I'm not married, no kids, not even dating at the moment and I am not alone in this new part of my journey. I not only have the amazing support of my family and friends but God has been with me every step of the way.
I have been really thinking about my life verse lately. It's my life verse bc my Grandpa and Grandma declared this verse over me years ago and I have clung to it. It's Jeremiah 29: 11. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
Three years ago this verse meant something very different to me. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but I think there was a part of me that was thinking "cool, the heartache and pain of life will be minimal bc God doesn't want that for me." That's right, I was that naive to think that.
When my depression was at it's worst I was sducidal, I really didn't think that life was worth the effort. I was hardly functioning and really who would miss me? My family would be better off without me as would my friends. It was on this night that the verse really changed for me. I'm lying in bed crying my eyes out thinking these thoughts and in the midst of it God showed up. How you may ask? I felt his presence......the lights were off in my room (no God didn't turn the lights on) but He gave me such a peace in the midst of such a terrible night. My thoughts went from trying to figure out how to end my life to how can I save it! I will tell you this.....the switch that happened was so not me......my thought patterns and ability to hear, believe and understand truth was not functioning, yet there I was crying and crying for hours, going from sucicidal thoughts to not thinking of sucide and then deep merciful sleep. So what does this have to do with the verse you may ask?
It was in that moment and since then that I have come to realize that the verse doesn't say that bad things won't happen and that I won't get hurt. What it does say is that God's plans for me are good. I have depression, SAD, ADHD, OCD and anxiety issues, is that what God wants for me? I don't think it is, however we live in a crazy sinful world and Satan is fighting like crazy to destroy God's plan and I believe metal health issues are a part of Satans plan to try and win.
Now I am not saying that I am demon possed and that others who suffer with mental illness are demon possessed. What I am saying is that I believe there is a battle between good and evil and evil is using different mental health issues to fight.
So how is God using all that I have been thru for good? How is this going to prosper me, where's the hope? Well I am still sorting that out but what I have discovered so far is that thru my depression, I have been forced to not wear a mask anymore. I can no longer say I'm fine if I'm not. I have been able to share my story with others and others have shared with me giving us the strength to see that we are not alone and that there are people who understand what we are going thru. How is this going to prosper me?, well because of all that has gone on in the last few years I have been forced to take a hard look at myself and see where I need to make healthier choices for me.
It is not God's desire for me to experience harm, pain etc. However I would be extremely naive to believe that just because I have a relationship with Jesus that I won;t experience it. What God will do is journey with me thru the lows and the highs. Giving me unconditional love, strength for the next day. Do I have this all figured out? HECK NO!! What I do know is that Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise that has such deep meaning for me because I know that God cares about it all.
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